i remember crying until i thought i would throw up, pouring out all the emotion in little liquid trails that made riverbeds of my cheeks. i remember screaming into my pillow, the seductive glint of metal, and wanting nothing more than to stop feeling.

and i remember the terrible emptiness when i finally did.

some days i wake up and i forget that i'm happy now, and the emptiness comes back. the ache for something that hurts, but at least makes me feel.

it's days like those that i'm infinitely grateful for having the kind of people in my life who can calm me down by their sheer physical presence. who don't have to speak to make me feel better, but who say all the right things at the right times anyway.

who can reset my whole brain during a midnight walk through the snow.

and i go to bed happy.