i still start a little every time i see it, but nothing compares to the brain freeze i experienced the first time i got that windows pop-up message:

connected to: your last chance at happiness

took me a good couple of minutes to figure out that's what zamp named our shared network. i'm proud- it's a name worthy of my own overly-emotive lyrical taglines.

connection: very good

things are looking up.

three weekends.

the first a long one, spent willingly alone. i went to st lawrence market, explored the distillery district, and spent a whole lot of time reading in the sun. three days of relaxation and getting things done, and at the end i felt refreshed.

the second came at the end of a week of living by myself. i learned that it's a very big house, watched a lot of tv, and started talking in a british accent to inanimate objects. i didn't need the second weekend.

i guess i was even more chatty than i thought about my relief to have zamp and kris back. the day after they arrived, google was cheekily suggesting i "learn more about separation anxiety disorder". i felt sheepish.

the third weekend was a haircut, martinis with the girls, a group grocery trip, dinner en famille (plus katylyn), a doctor who marathon, cleaning day, and across the universe.

order restored.

something corporate - konstantine

it was already four in the afternoon yesterday by the time i realized that my underwear was on SIDEWAYS.

it was just that kind of day.

i had plans to go home and bury myself under blankets, full of hate for the world, but got distracted somewhere along the way by zamp's, um, enthusiastic interpretations of various beatles songs.

this eventually digressed into the perkiest- and therefore most terrifying- house of the rising sun i've ever heard, and sam deciding he should form a boy band (with a reluctant kristian) to do covers of old rock songs.

in the end, i went to bed giggling.

PSA: the following message was composed after three full days of listening to snow patrol. please continue at your own risk. you have been warned.

been thinking more and more lately about biological clocks and evolutionary predisposition and happiness.

the fact that there are people who go their whole lives happily single would definitely imply that our evolutionarily necessary urge to pair off and raise young is not actually universal. the fact that it's not universal makes me feel all the more that it's not necessary. that it's an urge which can be overcome.

i can't help but recoil at the implication that my mind and body be somehow hard-wired to place their happiness in the hands of my romantic and sexual life.

on the other hand, if you look at it with a more modern eye, you could say that we need several things to be overall happy- if my job, or physical health, or living situation, or family life were in jeopardy, then presumably those things would bring my overall happiness down to an equal degree as my relationship status can. after all, each of them is somewhat responsible towards my continued existance as a reproductive being in the world, and therefore evolutionarily necessary.

it's just that those other things don't go wrong for me nearly as often...

anyway, in a pre-emptive strike against my newly-established sunday slump, i've decided to go into work tomorrow, for eight hours. if i don't let sunday happen, then it can't get to me! ha!

i think that maybe one of the most important things i've learned in the last two years is to ask for comfort when i need it.

it seems funny now to think that there was ever a time when i wouldn't consider asking for a hug when i needed one. i imagine this recent ability is fairly responsible for my general happiness now as compared to before. luckily, i'm surrounded by a group of wonderful people who are always there to comply with any cuddling requests i might have.

i'm starting to develop a negative association concerning weekends, though.

and parties.

i remember crying until i thought i would throw up, pouring out all the emotion in little liquid trails that made riverbeds of my cheeks. i remember screaming into my pillow, the seductive glint of metal, and wanting nothing more than to stop feeling.

and i remember the terrible emptiness when i finally did.

some days i wake up and i forget that i'm happy now, and the emptiness comes back. the ache for something that hurts, but at least makes me feel.

it's days like those that i'm infinitely grateful for having the kind of people in my life who can calm me down by their sheer physical presence. who don't have to speak to make me feel better, but who say all the right things at the right times anyway.

who can reset my whole brain during a midnight walk through the snow.

and i go to bed happy.

i'm a little late to the game, but having finally taken the time to look back at the year that was, i realized that my happiness in 2006 was fairly confined to part of january, a weekend in august, a week in september, and my birthday.

this is unnacceptable!

i could do the mature thing and reflect upon how i can make this year a lot better, appreciate all the experience and friendships that grew from the hard times, marvel at how we stuck together even when the going got tough, and learn to find more joy in the small things...

instead i am putting forth a motion to strike most parts of 2006 (pick and choose your moments) from the record.

and while we're on a roll, the first week of 2007 can go, too.

objections?

i can't stop listening to this song.

i also can't stop crying.

the two are probably related.

probably.

( to call for hands of above, to lean on )